2004-05-11 [eyes of frost]: I am Rachel the creator of this wiki page. I welcome those who would read my story. It will be updated constantly so read it while you can. Constructive criticism is very welcome. I am sorry about how long the story is right now. Once I figure out how to make it shorter and still have the entire story, I will be sure to do it. If anyone does not like the rules of no swearing or putting other's down on this page please do not let the door hit you on your way out. Please have a wonderful night or day. ^_^!

2004-05-12 [eyes of frost]: cries...no one is visiting...cries some more...oh well...this cry baby will get over it. ^_^!

2004-05-12 [Spork]: ello ello!

2004-05-12 [eyes of frost]: hello

2004-05-12 [eyes of frost]: i cant be on for much longer. Its midnight here. i have to get to bed soon. if you would like you can read my story...or we could talk about something. i dont know what. maybe you could think of something?

2004-05-12 [mywolfalways]: Well, it's a long story so it will take a bit for people to read it all. I do have it on my palm and I will be reading it. I have another one on my queue before yours though. (--I do a lot of reading for people--)

2004-05-13 [mywolfalways]: Chapter one was interesting, but very hard to follow. The introduction was cute, but I think I would have liked to hear about the antics of you and Schi-Schi staying after school. I felt that the first chapter could have done with more detail. Overall, though, it was a good start. It definately captures the attention of the reader.

2004-05-16 [eyes of frost]: chapters six through eight located at The girl 2

2004-05-17 [thestranger]: Ok... just some grammatical stuff I noticed as I went along: "By the time we were done I was horse." Should be hoarse... "I had a dread in my head and a knot in my stomach. I hoped that t wasn't my house" You're missing the i in it and a dread in my head isn't proper english (not a big deal unless you're trying to get this published lol).... "I didn't know where I was and there was nothing that could tell me where I was." is a little off, read it aloud, it sounds a little awkward, you should consider revising the was at the end of the sentence.

2004-05-17 [thestranger]: Ok, yeah. Thats about as far as I could go, honestly. I kept reading, but it was getting very confusing and less and less cohesive. Since I didn't read through it all I can't offer advice on the rest, but for the beginning, the schi-schi and bun-bun name calling got very tiring quickly, I'd also suggest making it a little more clear what exactly is going on. Suspense is good, but only for so long, you can't leave the reader in the dark forever, or they're going to get bored. (Not that this is boring by any shot) You've got a great idea here, just a few suggestions so you can run away with it :D

2004-05-19 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Two: Not too bad, but you have a habit of switching between present and past tense here and there. With more writing that will become less and less. Just be sure to recheck your work for present tense words since you are working in past tense. I think I would have liked this better if you would have spent more time actually describing some day to day things, which would show how all the characters got along. Without the interaction between characters, it makes all the other characters seem flat compared to Liana. Day to day interaction would also probably draw the reader in a bit more.

2004-05-19 [eyes of frost]: if you keep on reading there is more day to day interaction and alot of talking.....should really stop all the talking but it explains alot.

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: well i read the first two chapters. do you mind if i print the rest off? it gets kinda hard on the eyes to read so much on the computer... so far, i think it is a very good idea.

2004-05-20 [eyes of frost]: go ahead.

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: thanks. tis hard to read on the computer... specially with my horrible eyes...

2004-05-20 [eyes of frost]: laughs

2004-05-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: i hate having eyes like this. and because i read so much and print always in smallest font possible, the get worse every couple month... just got new glasses two month ago...

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Three: A good chapter overall. You have such wonderful ideas, but they don’t seem to be fully developed. The writing in the first few paragraphs of these seems awkward. A few present tense sentences here and there. The beginning of this chapter almost seems as if it is just an overview of the happenings than actual interaction; I think that is what is bothering me about it. It’s like an almost omniscient first person POV without the detail to be omniscient.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: Paying attention to the color of the people’s hair was a nice detail to include. Was there a point with the thing about red hair or was it just a fleeting thought? Is that to be explained later or was it the thought of “we both have red hair, he shouldn’t be doing this”. The red hair thing is an incomplete thought to a reader.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: How did you get your hand to wrap around his? Earlier in this part of the story, you stated that you were taken off the table and then shackled up, so this doesn’t work. The description when the character is getting beat up, just isn’t very effective. Even if the character is forcing themselves not to feel the pain, the actual blows still need to be emphasized in order to draw the reader in.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: I was glad when you had the doctor come in and inform Lia what was going on. When Doctor Minister comes in to speak with her in solitary: it would be more effective if you had what he said in actual quotes and then go back to give her thoughts by themselves, than just an overview, as you have done.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: The “muhahaha” thing seems out of character when you are talking about the shower. If you said something about giving a thankful laugh and something about guards not being able to go in, I think it would keep the serious tone that seems to permeate from the rest of this piece so far. I like the resolution at the end of this chapter. I think that it shows that although Lia is hurt, she still cares for those who care about her. The little inside joke between them helps to show that they still have each other and haven’t fallen completely.

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: i agree. i reread this last night and i found a couple more things too, even though not the same. first of all: who exactly is that demitrie guy? as far as i know, you never said where she knows him from or anything, just that he betrayed her. it would be nice to know who he is. it is kinda confusing at the point when he comes into the "hospital". but perhaps i just misunderstood the whole thing ;). second, i think it would be good to somehow show when exactly lianna and scing-mae and later mery are talking with each other in their heads. it kinda flows together like this. perhaps you could just put it in italics or at least add a paragraph in front and after it? perhaps that would make it

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: more clearly i think. just an idea...

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: She probably had the talking to each other's heads part in italics before she pasted it. You have to put the tags when you put it up here. I know for me that's sometimes a pain.

2004-05-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah i know. was just kinda confusing.

2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: I agree with that, [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]. I just wanted to support her. ^_^

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ....the whole muahaha thing wa just kind there...the part about the hands, the squash head had taken her down and held her in his hands and then dropped her....sorry about the italics though..didnt come out....the thought about the red hair was just an aside thought..you'll find alot of those as i keep going. Demitrie you will find out soon enough about him. the first paragraphs in the third chapter are kindof explaining what was going on while she was there. I think thats it....thinks about it....yea! if you all have anymore questions please write them to me and i will be sure to look at and address them! ^_^

2004-05-26 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: lol thanks. i kinda liked the muahahaha thing... thats not what i was agreeing with above.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Four: Overall, a good chapter. I like where the plot seems to be going. I’m very interested in reading further. The use of cursing when writing description is distracting to the reader, even if it is written in first person. Cursing within quotations is, generally, better accepted.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: My personal thought is that you really need to add more interaction with the characters. Although there is a little more interaction written in here, it’s not the kind of detail that will help the reader understand the relationships between the characters. Much of the interaction throughout this piece is written in a passive manner, so it’s not as effective. For example, you have she and George agree to lift weights, but there is no description at all of what kind of exercises they did. If you had this kind of description written in, it would help pass the time in the head of the reader.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: With the lack of description to explain the relationships between all the characters, it is harder for the reader to understand Lia’s reason for being so attached to everybody and not wanting to leave. More interaction needs to be added throughout the chapters between she and all the characters and, in my opinion, especially Schi-schi because the claim is continuously that they are best friends.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: In the part where she is getting beaten, there is again the use of passive tense. Without quotes the words just aren’t as effective in conveying what is meant.

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ok i think i understand all of what y ou just said....scratches head...this book is the first of a series of novels about the same charachters....i was told that you cant give away all of the details about someone in the first book although, maybe some more would be good. Would it sound better if i added more about her relationships or just leave it like that and explain more in the later chapters? Sorry about the passive tense. The story is supposed to be going along with what is happeneing to her sortof like an interview with the reporter following you and taking everything you say down like a story. Maybe a biography...(cant spell for crap)

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: the reason that Lia is so attached to everyone is explained i think in chapter nine which i have not put up yet... i might combine both of these pages into one and then make nine through whatever another page...gets so confused. I dont want to get yeled at for the page being to long though... Again if you have any questions or need something explained please feel free to write then! ^_^

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: In my opinion, you really need to put in more details. (my opinion) Especially with the relationships. Now that you've explained how it was intended to be written (like an interview), it makes sense; however, it still needs the details to gain the reader's attention. It's fine if the reader intended to read it all in one sitting, but most people don't read books like that, and while going chapter by chapter, I find it a bit hard to understand the kinds of relationships she has with each of the other characters. I'm one of those people who think that the story is more about the characters than the plot; you're going for more of the plot.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: Nothing wrong with that. I'm really enjoying what's happening in this novel, but, you know. ^_~

2004-05-26 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah. with the people inside the hospita its starting to shine through, but with some of the people... tis hard to undertstand

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ok i have some advice...maybe you should read it chapter by chapter and then read it all the way through with what i have. Its just a suggestion. But i will gothrough and say more about the relationship with scing-mae. I think that should be explained. well have to go talk to you later! ^_^!!

2004-05-27 [mywolfalways]: Hmm...good point. *chuckles* 

2004-05-28 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: thanks... hmmm... im already wondering how it will go on with him... where he ended up and stuff...

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Five: In the paragraph about the gun you repeated yourself; first, you say it in a passive voice, then in a past tense voice. Good writing with the guy who attacked her at the house. You didn't mention that you and Austion went inside until after you had taken your top off; this is confusing for the reader.

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: You have a wonderful talent to describe people in a realistic way. Both Austin and jamie I could see quite clearly in my mind. Peanut Butter Crunch: I have to say this was an excellent touch for this story. Everybody has a certain food that would be the one they crave after not having it for so long. This is a grand realistic touch to the story.

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: Typos: *shit = shirt, *bowel = bowl, and "To tired..." = too

2004-06-02 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: lol your a perfectionist. searching for typos everywhere. gotta change the ones on my stories now lol. i agree with the descriptions, theyre very good

2004-06-02 [eyes of frost]: actually i did mention that they were inside. I said that she attacked her attacker and that she went inside. Then stood up when she heard breathing behind her....i think...thanks for correcting the tyops...and thanks for what you said about the charaters. After reading books for years, you tend to get into descriptions

2004-06-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah, i agree. i tend to write every little detail too and in that way exeed limits in contests lol. and i read that too that she went ionto the house...

2004-06-03 [eyes of frost]: thanks for re-reading that...if you did...!

2004-06-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: lol i read it like two times already but i didnt reread it now, no

2004-06-03 [eyes of frost]: did you read chapter nine?

2004-06-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah. i like it.

2004-06-03 [mywolfalways]: Working on it. *chuckles* I still have a long way to go on everybody's stuff. I devoted the better half of this day to being an editor. -_-

2004-06-08 [eyes of frost]: i changed the page so there are now italics and bold letters where they are supposed to be!!!  muahahahahahahahahahahaaaa

2004-06-10 [Scarlet Lioness]: wow, you definetly have the talent for first person writing...there is no maybe's with first person, either you can and it's good or you can't and it sucks...this is really good, I really like your style of writing...I only got to chapter 5 but I'll read more when I get home from work! I promise!

2004-06-10 [eyes of frost]: thank you! does funny happy dacne!

2004-06-11 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah... i cant write in first person. i tried but.... i cant even do it in essays. i usually write 3rd person from view of one of the chars... but tis not as good as yours, by far not.

2004-07-06 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Six: To tell you the truth I really didn't like it. Throughout this chapter there was a huge lack of description. When you did describe things, they just weren't described in the grandeur I know you were trying to convey with the wings and the naturally different colors of hair. I also think that you needed a lot more description about how this D&S place looked like. I did like how you described her reactions to everything that was going on. I think this chapter moved way too quickly with the lack of description and explanation.

2004-07-06 [mywolfalways]: The ending paragraph of this chapter really doesn't fit in with the rest of the chapter. It almost seemed like you didn't know where to put all of this information so you just stuck it there without an explanation. If you presented the information in a more relevant manner it would help. The problem is you don't give any indication when all this is taking place, and you also seem to skip ahead of the story when you talk about the two characters who are still in the prison getting married later on.

2004-07-06 [mywolfalways]: This chapter can be good with some revision. I will say that it was interesting, it just wasn't presented in the right way, I think.

2004-07-07 [Queen of Stars]: Like how you critique her work. You tell her what's wrong and needs to be fixed without being obnixous or overbearing. 

2004-07-07 [mywolfalways]: Thank you, I try my best.

2004-07-08 [Queen of Stars]: no problem.

2004-09-13 [mywolfalways]: May want to check your formatting. You've got some weird symbols mixed in.

2004-09-14 [eyes of frost]: I know.

I am restarting this story. Please bare with me until I can get up the first few chapters. Thanks.

2004-10-15 [mywolfalways]: Hmm...interesting thus far.

2004-10-15 [mywolfalways]: I'm a little lost about what exactly is going on here, but it it interesting.

2004-10-15 [Queen of Stars]: I'll read it when I have more time, I liked the last one, so I'm sure that I'll like this one too.

2004-10-17 [eyes of frost]: well that is the mysery of writing! Muahaha.....if you need soemthing explained just message me and I will be happy to tell you whats going on...all except my mom -glares at stars- your not getting it out of me mom...You have to read it! muahahahahaha

2004-10-18 [Queen of Stars]: That's what you think. I'm mom and I know you all to well. Tee-hee.

2004-10-19 [eyes of frost]: Yes, but you do not know where I keep my floppy that this story is on! Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

2004-10-19 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: wooohooohooohoohoo! new beginning! i looooooove it! kkep on wrting, pleeeeaaaassssseee....

2004-10-20 [Queen of Stars]: Oh, but I do know such wonderful ways to torture you to get the infomation out of you. Tee-hee. Remember, I'm mom and we all get crash courses on torture. 

2004-10-21 [eyes of frost]: Well...i dont care. You wont know till you read. What do you think mom?

2004-10-25 [Queen of Stars]: 9th paragraph down what needs to be why. on living relative, needs to be a living relative. child services have, needs to be child services hasn't. Not to bad yet, but I need more to make an informed decision about it. Still the critic to the end. Totally different so far from the last time that you wrote it. Good job. Can't wait to read more. Though I just might get you to let me read it in advance. 

2004-10-25 [eyes of frost]: i dont think so mom. never! my mashed potatoe mounds of doom will eat you befoe I read it...muahahahahahaha

2004-10-26 [mywolfalways]: Hmmm...interesting.

2004-10-28 [Queen of Stars]: what's interesting, her story or our conversation? Have to finish reading the changes now. Talk to you again soon.

2004-10-28 [mywolfalways]: The story. 

2004-10-31 [Queen of Stars]: yes, I agree totally. It's very interesting so far. Am waiting patiently for her to write the rest.

2004-11-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: very interesting, yes, but also very different from the old version... very, very different. but not bad, not bad at all...

2004-11-06 [eyes of frost]: Well...if you guys want the other one back then I will put it up.

2004-11-10 [Queen of Stars]: I want the other one, I want the other one. I neeeeeeddddddd to see what's going to happen next on that one. Can't you write both of them just give them different titles like book 1 and book 2?

2004-11-12 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah. i kinda looooves the old one and im not entirely sure this one's gonna be better... im not even sure thats possible <^,.,,.,^>

2004-11-12 [Queen of Stars]: See, I'm not the only one!!!!!! But I'm also not saying to give up on this one either. You could write both of them at the same time. Hell, a lot of writer's already have their second work in progress before they finish the first, that's how they get so many books out a year. I'm good, I'm good and I'm still the momma. Tee-hee

2004-11-18 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: heehee. well yeah im writing on a whole bunch of stuff at the same time but not getting anything finished.

2004-11-20 [Queen of Stars]: No it will take you a little longer, but they will get done. Good luck in your writing katraka. I'm sure it's good as well.

2004-11-27 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: thanks. well actually... right now im kinda stuck but i dont have tiome to write anyways. hey, i see the old one is back up...

2005-03-05 [eyes of frost]: Ok people Rachel has hit a

HUGE

block. I need to go back and take away some of the girls powers and that. But I want to keep the story the same without changing it...ok chaning it a little maybe...but basically the same. i need some advice!!!!!!

2005-03-05 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: well... im there for help... whats the precise problem?

2005-03-06 [eyes of frost]: well i need to go and take out some things in the beginning. Like some of her powers and somehow manage to keep the story the same with little change as possible. I just dont know how to do that.

2005-03-07 [mywolfalways]: *chuckles* Pretty much: you don't. You have to sacrifice a little in every part of the story to get it just right. After you've done a few revisions, you'll come to understand this easier. The best thing to do is write out what you do want to keep. Then list all the things you want to take out. Figure out what these changes will effect later on. Then you have to decide what you really want to keep and what isn't as important.

2005-03-07 [eyes of frost]: Thanks chickky. It is much appriciated.(sp)

2005-03-31 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: *too lazy to continue her story or do anything*

2005-04-02 [eyes of frost]: Whats wrong Katraka?

2005-04-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: dunno. as i said. im lazy. perhaps i should go downstairs continue my story but... hell i dont feel like doing anything... but i will go now anyways.

2005-04-04 [eyes of frost]: Hehe. Then dont do anything. It is that simple. Just be unwilling to do anything and then sometime later it will get done. When you get sick of being lazy.

2005-04-06 [-Shadow-Nell-]: HI! Sorry it took me sooo long to comment. You have so much written down here! I've only just finished chapter four. Yikes! Don't know if I'll have time to read it all, but I'll try.

2005-04-06 [-Shadow-Nell-]: Alright, here it is. Your story is really cool and interesting so far. I wanna know what happens! There's a number of things that don't make sense to me, and a bunch of grammer things that could be fixed too. But that's fine, it's the way you work, and you seem to be doing very well with it. I tend to nit-pick my stories so they don't get very far without editing. My eye starts twitching if I find a misspelled word in my story, heck, I even go back and edit my comments! Yes, I'm that weird. But I'm getting off topic. What I really mean is that I think it's great so far, keep it up! If ever you need a nit-pick, send me a message.

2005-04-06 [-Shadow-Nell-]: Lianna is amazing.

2005-04-07 [eyes of frost]: Thank you.

2005-05-01 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: well... i agree. and good news: i started writing again. bad news: i only restarted a story i wrote 3.5 years ago, and its in german so most of you cant read it

2005-05-02 [eyes of frost]: Oh....ok. Well its good and well ok I guess. ;)

2005-05-11 [mywolfalways]: Go for it [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]!

2005-05-11 [mywolfalways]: [-Shadow-Nell-], I'm the same way about grammar and typos.

2005-05-11 [eyes of frost]: Yea...sorry about that. I know there is alot of it..

2005-06-09 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: oh well... perhaps ill translate it eventually but right now im just rpoud that i actually managed to write something in that awful language thats supposed to be the one i speak best...

2005-06-13 [Queen of Stars]: glad to see that all of you are enjoying the story so far, not that she's read me any of it lately. Guess that I'll just have to get of my lazy butt and read it for myself. Smile everyone, you're all good at what you do.

2005-06-13 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: at what i do? keep getting into fights with my best friend? yeah, im most best definitely good at that... he hasnt talked to me in 56 hours now!!!!

2005-06-13 [Queen of Stars]: not getting into fights, I didn't mean it that way and I'm sorry to hear that you're fighting with your best friend. That's never good, if you need to talk about it, I've got a good ear. I mean keep up your writing and art and so on and so forth.

2005-06-14 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah i know. and that thing with my best friend... he [death disguised in purple] just misunderstand me... his boyfriend is hopefully gonna solve that soon... 83 hours now...

2005-06-21 [Queen of Stars]: and still here with us. See not everything in life has to revolve around a boy/girlfriend being in your lives. So how are things going between you and your friend? Has anything been resolved between the two of you yet? I hope that it has? Not fun to be arguing with your friends.

2005-06-22 [eyes of frost]: I just uploaded a prom picture of me and my ex. Dont mind him just look at me and tell me what you think. Mom I already know what you think so your opinion wont be noted. But I love you!

2005-07-06 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: *grins* ill go look. and about my best freind... only took 150 hours, all solved now... what really sucks is that im bak at home for summerbreak, and all my freidns are far, far away... my boyfriend is in berlin, my best friend somewhere in eastern europe... wont see anyone till middle of august...

2005-07-16 [Queen of Stars]: but when you do see them, you'll all have a lot of catching up to do and lots of things to talk about. Look forward to that. And thanks for the comment frost, tee-hee. Love you too.

2005-07-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah, but still... two months is a long time to spend it all alone... especially whenyouhate phones asmuchas i do

2005-07-28 [Queen of Stars]: Yeah, but in the end aren't friends worth all the efforts we go through and trust me, I have a friendship that's been to hell and back and it has made us as close as siblings. It's been well worth my time and efforts throughout the years. All good things are worth our time and effort.

2005-08-10 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: sure enough. i mean, its actually that way with jula and me. after all we have gone through... this was just a small thing. we have seen much worse things together...

2005-08-14 [Queen of Stars]: then see, you'll have so much to catch up on and tell each other. you should throw a pajama party and then you'll have all night to catch up and just have plain old fun.

2005-08-20 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: well... we'll meet up on sunday. and in six weeks theres black bat festival, everyones coming over to his place afterwards...

2005-08-27 [Queen of Stars]: That sounds like it will be a lot of fun and you can really get to catch up with all your friends. How have you been doing latelyl?

2005-08-27 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: not too bad... life is good... except that my dad just told me that my beloved younger sis is in the hospital...

2005-09-25 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: hello yous... anything new?

2005-09-27 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: okay... <^,.,,.,^> ill wait patiently

2005-10-16 [Queen of Stars]: my but you are a patient one, aren't you. Sorry that it's been so long, just a lot of s*** going on here at home. So how are you doing lately?

2005-10-17 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: insanity is taking over my whole life, i meet dangerous and/or crazy people all the time, and well, actually, everything is going greatly, if you dont consider the fact that i have no time to sleep...

2005-11-19 [Queen of Stars]: Honey, craziness, that's why I haven't been on in so darned long. My life is chaos and craziness, if it weren't I probably would go crazy. But hang in there and try to find one reason a day to sml

2005-11-19 [Queen of Stars]: smile and or laugh